My Open Letter To Bumble

My open letter to bumble, why dating apps are making dating so hard

Dear Bumble,

This letter is long overdue as I sit here on my couch on a Saturday night. Yes, I’m still single. And yes, I’ve used your “services”. But here’s the thing, I’m so done with you.

I’m 32, single, and am 100% a millennial. According to society, I should be on dating apps swiping left and right, and to be honest, it’s mostly left (that’s the negative swipe btw) just like my peers. But I’m not. I’m also not even bothering sitting at a bar or coffee shop in hopes that someone will come up to me and strike up a conversation. Why? Because Bumble has created a generation of lazy fucking men.

You heard me. Lazy. Fucking. Men.

Instead of having a set of balls to come up to someone to ask them out, this generation of men has been taught that it’s totally fine to sit around and just swipe to find someone. But here’s the kicker, THEY DONT EVEN HAVE TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. Wow, what a concept, right? You created an entire marketing platform on it and it worked to get women on it. But it also worked in manifesting a lazy generation of men who have no proper social skills, game or tact in asking women out.

How did this happen? Well, let’s chat about it…

My guess on what happened here was a perfect storm. First there’s the whole dating app in general problem. Where if someone isn’t PERFECT, you can just hop back on and find a new option for tomorrow night. This one I can’t blame you on since it all started with Tinder. This combined with the “women makes the first move” concept, you have thus created the ultimate opportunity for men to sit on their ass at home in their underwear, and women just come to them. We literally HAVE TO SAY HELLO FIRST. The man can’t even make the effort even if they wanted to.

This now translates and has crossed over to all social encounters in the wild. Instead of real conversations out and about, men (and women, we’re guilty too and that’s for another post about online dating in general) turn to their phones to put their best profile pic on display in search of getting laid.

The thing is, when we make the move first, we’re now stroking their ego in not one but two ways.

One, we are first saying “hey we think you’re attractive enough to swipe right on you” which makes you think you’re hot shit. It’s the first step in feeding your ego and making you think you are in fact, hot shit.

Two, we then “make the first move” which makes you feel like you’re being chased, you’re the winner, you’re the prize. Wow. Way to start things out, right? Now we’ve set the tone for this, likely never going to go anywhere, relationship.

This whole strategy of “women take control and make the first move” now makes men think we’re chasing them, we’re already into them and think they’re so attractive and amazing. This is how things get kicked off. Where does that leave the woman? I guess you can call me a “light” feminist, because although I believe in all the feminist things like equal pay, equal rights, my body, my choice. I do truly like when a guy grows some balls and makes a move first. Chivalry is soon going to be entirely dead, and although I like to open my own door, I DO want to be ASKED OUT. Or hit on first.

But thanks to Bumble and the supposed women empowerment marketing tactic you’ve used, we have just turned what Tinder initially destroyed in dating, to a whole new level. It’s simply created a lazy generation of men who can literally sit around and be hit on.

So how am I hoping to find a man? Well, the answer isn’t easy and maybe for another post. But let’s just say I will not be putting all my eggs in one Bumble basket.

What Would Dating Look Like Without Bumble?

You might also like … 7 Things I’ve Learned About Myself From Living Alone and Confession. I Feel STUCK And I Hope I’m Not Alone Here.

Photo by Hannah Michelle

Leave a Comment

20 Comments

  1. Shereen wrote:

    Yaaassssss 🙌🏼🙌🏼

    Posted 3.5.19 Reply
  2. Liz wrote:

    100% to this entire post. I’ve never been into dating apps, and they only seem to have made dating more challenging and difficult. Still leaving out hope that I’ll find a date or two at the grocery store, gym, or anywhere other than an app.

    Posted 3.5.19 Reply
    • Jessica wrote:

      Same here, it’s just awful! I will say, I am choosing Hinge over Bumble, but still hate it and it just all feels icky to me.

      Posted 3.5.19 Reply
  3. Millicent wrote:

    First off, thank you for this post. Secondly, I hope you really send this to Bumble or they stumble across it. I too prefer in dating for a man to make the first move, but I was willing to rock with Bumble for a bit because from what I’ve heard and I can understand is that making the first move is hard for males and females, so we shouldn’t assume that just because you have a penis that making the first move isn’t nerve racking for you-cool. My issue comes with the fact that Bumble swoops in and (although I’m doubtful that they’re intent was to help men out) and asks that the women make the first move. So to your point, if there was any fear involved we’ve eliminated that at two points, the fact that we’re a match and that I’ve reached out to you. My experience has been that yes the guys are lazy or they’ve confused the app to mean that women do EVERYTHING! From initiating a conversation to making plans for a date etc. Seems like all the guys on the app need a lot of ego stroking and I’m sorry I just can’t.

    Posted 3.5.19 Reply
    • Jessica wrote:

      I couldn’t agree more. I believe it’s a two way street and we can make moves on either side. But I think they’ve just let it be the way it is and allowed us to do it all. Thanks for reading and for your comment!

      Posted 3.5.19 Reply
  4. Tori wrote:

    I agree with you 1000%. Not only do they not have to do any work to “get” us, but then they think we will be ok with either hosting them at our place, or going to theirs – without meeting somewhere first! And if you say you don’t want that, boom – they either cuss at you, try to manipulate you into doing it, or unmatch with you. Not only are they lazy, it’s also created a world in which they are more like spoiled little boys than 6 year old boys are! Huge kudos to you for bringing all this up. I’ve wanted to for a while, but you’ve done it quite eloquently. 👏

    Posted 3.5.19 Reply
    • Jessica wrote:

      Thank you so much for this sweet comment and for reading. I’m glad we’re all on the same page!

      Posted 3.5.19 Reply
  5. Megan wrote:

    I couldn’t agree with your letter more! The app is horrible. Out of all the conversions I have started I have probably gotten a “hey” in response twice and that’s it! Noting further! This tells me the men are on there to boost their egos and that’s it. Just as you said, they see the match and then the “hello” from us is an added bonus and that’s good enough for them! Smh.

    Posted 3.5.19 Reply
    • Jessica wrote:

      It’s always awful. I think you’re right, they just sit around and collect the little gold stars!

      Posted 3.5.19 Reply
  6. Amy gilbreth wrote:

    Omg this is the best post I’ve seen and so dang true. I am right there with you when it comes to dating!

    Posted 3.5.19 Reply
  7. Shivani Patel wrote:

    I can relate to this 100% and I hope Bumble comes across this letter and actually acknowledge our point of view.
    “ I believe in all the feminist things like equal pay, equal rights, my body, my choice. I do truly like when a guy grows some balls and makes a move first. Chivalry is soon going to be entirely dead, and although I like to open my own door, I DO want to be ASKED OUT. Or hit on first.” This sums up everything.

    Thank you!!!

    Posted 3.5.19 Reply
    • Jessica wrote:

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting, I’m glad I am not alone!

      Posted 3.5.19 Reply
  8. Maya wrote:

    I have to respectfully disagree with the points you make in this post. I’m probably biased because I managed to meet a great guy on bumble who I’ve been with for almost 6 months but I’ll add my opinion as someone who’s had an overall positive experience. Up until last year I had zero interest in dating apps. One of my close friends who swears by them finally convinced me to get on bumble. I will admit it feels odd making the first move because I also feel like guys should pursue women. However, I see it more as striking up a conversation first as opposed to making the first real move. In all my interactions with guys I made it clear that I was not going to be the one asking them on dates and the like. I did meet a couple of guys whose egos were too strong for me so I politely let them go. My boyfriend very respectfully asked for my number when we hit it off on the app and asked me out on our first date. I did A LOT of swiping to get to him (I do wish you could filter to your preferences a little more to avoid all the swiping) but he was well worth it.

    Posted 3.6.19 Reply
    • Jessica wrote:

      There’s definitely great guys on there, I’ve met a few! But I think generally a lot of the guys tend to enjoy the app bc they can “sit back and let the girls come to them” which I have heard MANY men say. There’s obviously great men out there just takes work to get through the noise. I love your story and happy you found someone on it! It’s definitely possible!

      Posted 3.6.19 Reply
  9. Emma Marie wrote:

    I’ve come back and read this post 3 times now. I loved it, felt conflicted (because I’m a single millennial Bumble user myeslf) but I also agree wholeheartedly. I’ve never liked the dating apps or the idea of dating from them and if we’re being honest I’ve only ever grown the balls to *actually* go one only one date from a dating app, but I’ve always HATED the concept of the dating app culture. It’s so common now that it’s just become what everyone does, and it sucks. Will people ever be able to date in real life again?

    Can’t wait to hear more on your thoughts on it all – Please post more haha!

    Emma
    https://emreecollective.com

    Posted 3.6.19 Reply
    • Jessica wrote:

      I worry about the same thing. Like are we just done with real interactions? Is it now only going to happen on an app? I’m concerned too! Thanks so much for reading!

      Posted 3.7.19 Reply
  10. Ashley wrote:

    I respect your opinion and understand where you are coming from. I think that we have been conditioned since birth to expect the man to make the first move. Every Disney movie shows the Prince on a desperate search to find his match (Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty…). I know you’re in the south, and that mindset is more prevalent down there than it is up in NYC where I now live (I moved from ATL).

    But all that being said, if you don’t like the idea of making the first move, then you don’t have to use Bumble. There are a ton of other dating apps out there that allow all genders to make the first move. Maybe you don’t like the onus of having to make the first move, but maybe some other women feel empowered by that level of control.

    I agree that online dating has really screwed up the process of dating. The ease of apps makes a person feel like a swipable generic commodity rather than a unique individual. It’s easier to look at your phone and interact rather than speak to a person face to face and risk rejection in public. If you get dumped and have a meltdown at home, at least you are in the privacy of your own home. The current expectation is that everyone is dating around, talking to multiple people at the same time, potentially even sleeping with multiple partners. You have to actually have a conversation to confirm that both parties are exclusive. These are all terrible things that I think have come out of dating apps.

    But all that being said, none of that is entirely Bumble’s fault. It is the fault of ALL of the apps, and for all of us as users to sink into the trap of interacting with a human virtually instead of in real life.

    Anyway, just my two cents. I think that your piece is well written and thought out. Thanks for sharing!

    Ashley
    mixtapeyogi.com

    Posted 3.8.19 Reply
  11. Maureen wrote:

    I haven’t used a dating app but did sign up on Match when dating websites were more popular. It’s where I met my now hubby. It was definitely weird because I made the first move though I didn’t mind. I think if he didn’t continue to pursue me afterward, then I would feel the same way. I mean isn’t it common sense that relationship would take two people to work on it and not just one? I am sorry you didn’t have a positive experience with Bumble and I do hope these dating apps get the hint of the sort of situations they are creating.

    Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com

    Posted 3.8.19 Reply

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